Confessions of a Middle-Aged Drama Queen

Geesh. You'd think that a woman would be grateful for having one night of peace and quiet to herself. With Lost on (watching both last week's ep with the juicy tidbits popping up on-screen and the new one) and Damages from the night before, you'd think that I would be in heaven getting to watch these shows relatively uninterrupted. Well, at least without the distraction of a one-year old and a husband. I did it to myself. I built it up in my mind all day long. Knowing my baby girl wasn't coming home and knowing that my hubby is in St. Charles, I desperately missed them all day. So once I actually got home, I was "home-sick". My home was empty and I felt so alone. It's ridiculous. I realize that I'm a grown woman. I should have relished my alone time. I didn't. I sat there, anxiety-filled, all night. I watched my shows. But I was still so anxious. For what? I don't know. I have a problem with anxiety sometimes. I think I spent so many years being afraid of being alone forever that being alone returns me to that time and I am afraid of it. Afraid of being alone. And it's so silly, now, sitting here on the other side of it.

 The confession I have to make is this- I ate my anxiety. I didn't got terribly overboard. I did eat more than my daily points...meaning I got into weekly points and I had few to use. It's Weighs-Day. I'm now afraid of the scales. I'm near certain I'll have a gain, even if it's slight. I have to learn to get this under control. To further confess, anxiety-eating is my biggest fault. Sure, I eat my boredom, I overeat when the food is just too good to stop. I didn't get to my current size and weight by just overeating a bit here and there. Nope. I eat my feelings. But anxiety is the worse. It's as if the more I stuff into my mouth, the more I'm stuffing the anxiety down and I don't have to feel that way anymore. It's a ridiculous cycle. I don't necessarily feel anxious all the time. But when it hits, like last night, I really feel a bit out of control. For instance, when I got home I hated it. I wanted to cry (yes, I realize how crazy I sound). So, I popped open the box of Hersheys Snacksters and ate darn near 3 packs. Really, I was eating the chocolate chips out of them. Then I popped open a box of the chocolate covered pretzel 100 cal packs. I ate 2 of the packs. I couldn't stop. Realistically, I ate about 7 points right there and I had eaten so well during the day that I had like 18 points leftover so even after I ate the chocolate points I still had 11 left. Gosh, 11 points is a good-sized healthy dinner and snacks later. Instead of cooking for myself, which I have a tendency not to do when it's just me, I ate crackers dipped in dressing. Stupid, but I love it. It was one of my staples in law school (there was no time for cooking). But seriously, not a good meal idea for one who is weight watching.

 So, I've confessed to my slip ups. From now on, I think when I know I'm going to be alone, what I need to do is take out a couple of chicken breasts the morning of and put them in the crockpot with some good seasoning. Maybe some FF Italian dressing as a sort of marinade. Or maybe some cajun seasoning. That way, all I have to do is open a can of spinach or throw some frozen broccoli on the stove and add a veggie quick and easy to a meal that's pretty well done. I need to be prepared for those situations.

 Well, Happy Eating! Happy Weighing! Happy Middle-of-the-Week!