What can I say about Lainie Lou? Too much, really. Her name is actually Lorraine Catherine Ann. It's a mighty name and I can see at the small age of 9 months old, she can handle it. Lorraine for her paternal grandpa's mom. Catherine for her paternal grandma's mom. Ann after my mother's middle name and my great-grandma's first name. Big name fits her big personality. She will wear it well.
I have to say, although I'm not egotistical enough to think I'm actually the first to say it, I had no idea how much love you could have in a matter of seconds. The love of a mother is so incredibly different from any other love, I think the only way to truly understand it is to feel it. But that love didn't happen the moment they announced, "You have a girl!" (which I already knew-seriously!) I had anticipated this moment from the day they told me I was having a girl. But instead of love I was feeling dread.
I realize now that it was a combination of hormones and horrible discomfort from being so ginormously pregnant and swollen. I had a scheduled C-Section so there were no surprises, no fearful excitement of when my water might break or when I might feel that first twinge of labor. Nope. I bypassed it all. So, the night before we were scheduled to go in I remember not sleeping much (although in hindsight, I should have- the last possible night for restful sleep that I'd see for, well, ever). I paced in the bedroom, partially due to sleeplessness and slightly to do with the intense anger I was feeling in bed lying next to a man who was sleeping soundly without a care in the world. I looked at the empty bassinet thinking one thing- "What if I resent her because she is going to steal all of my sleep?" Isn't that horrible? But again, pain combined with those hormones equals a woman out of her mind.
So, back to the delivery- well operating- room. There she was in all her glory. Robb was the first to hold her as I was strapped down, arms spread wide open as I felt nothing from the chest down. I couldn't hold her. And truth be told- I wasn't sure I wanted to. Who was she anyway? I didn't know her. I was scared of her. Finally, the surgery was over and they took me back to my room where I held her in my arms for the first time. You'd think that this would be the moment where all of those mommy-feelings came flooding in and I was suddenly an expert on everything baby. Nope. Nada. I still didn't know her and I was still scared of her. Fortunately for my racing-in-terror heart, so many family and friends were there just waiting for their turn to hold the baby. I let them without complaint. I was just sure I was never going to feel like a mom and I'd never love her the way I was supposed to.
In the middle of the night, all visitors long gone and my husband sleeping soundlessly yet again, I hear the very thing I had been terrified of hearing as I lay in my hospital bed- the baby was crying. She was hungry. Now, I had committed myself to nursing for at least 3 weeks to give it a real chance. I called for a nurse to help me since, obviously, I had no experience with this. Only the nurse that came put one hand on her hip and sighed, exasperated by my call- "What do you need?!" she half yelled at me. "My baby is hungry and I need help with nursing her," I said in a most cowardly voice. "Well, I have other patients that need me so figure it out or I'll be back later." Yes, this is a true story. She was gone.
I looked over to the crying baby in her little cold plastic bassinet. I knew I had to try. So, I pulled it close enough to me that I could get her out (as I still wasn't allowed to stand or walk). I looked at her and said, "We're gonna have to figure this out together." Then, something magical happened- we did it! We figured it out on our own! It was that moment where I knew I was her mom and she was my baby. I felt like a mommy and a darn good one at that!
From that moment on the love in my heart for this precious baby has grown and grown. It is a love that would sacrifice anything without pause for anything she needs. It's a fierce and protective love and a soft, gentle love at the same time. After a long day at work, that little face smiling at me melts any stress I've felt.
Lainie Lou- the light of my life, the joy in my heart, the song in my step, and the stealer of my sleep (I'm happy to give it).
I have to say, although I'm not egotistical enough to think I'm actually the first to say it, I had no idea how much love you could have in a matter of seconds. The love of a mother is so incredibly different from any other love, I think the only way to truly understand it is to feel it. But that love didn't happen the moment they announced, "You have a girl!" (which I already knew-seriously!) I had anticipated this moment from the day they told me I was having a girl. But instead of love I was feeling dread.
I realize now that it was a combination of hormones and horrible discomfort from being so ginormously pregnant and swollen. I had a scheduled C-Section so there were no surprises, no fearful excitement of when my water might break or when I might feel that first twinge of labor. Nope. I bypassed it all. So, the night before we were scheduled to go in I remember not sleeping much (although in hindsight, I should have- the last possible night for restful sleep that I'd see for, well, ever). I paced in the bedroom, partially due to sleeplessness and slightly to do with the intense anger I was feeling in bed lying next to a man who was sleeping soundly without a care in the world. I looked at the empty bassinet thinking one thing- "What if I resent her because she is going to steal all of my sleep?" Isn't that horrible? But again, pain combined with those hormones equals a woman out of her mind.
So, back to the delivery- well operating- room. There she was in all her glory. Robb was the first to hold her as I was strapped down, arms spread wide open as I felt nothing from the chest down. I couldn't hold her. And truth be told- I wasn't sure I wanted to. Who was she anyway? I didn't know her. I was scared of her. Finally, the surgery was over and they took me back to my room where I held her in my arms for the first time. You'd think that this would be the moment where all of those mommy-feelings came flooding in and I was suddenly an expert on everything baby. Nope. Nada. I still didn't know her and I was still scared of her. Fortunately for my racing-in-terror heart, so many family and friends were there just waiting for their turn to hold the baby. I let them without complaint. I was just sure I was never going to feel like a mom and I'd never love her the way I was supposed to.
In the middle of the night, all visitors long gone and my husband sleeping soundlessly yet again, I hear the very thing I had been terrified of hearing as I lay in my hospital bed- the baby was crying. She was hungry. Now, I had committed myself to nursing for at least 3 weeks to give it a real chance. I called for a nurse to help me since, obviously, I had no experience with this. Only the nurse that came put one hand on her hip and sighed, exasperated by my call- "What do you need?!" she half yelled at me. "My baby is hungry and I need help with nursing her," I said in a most cowardly voice. "Well, I have other patients that need me so figure it out or I'll be back later." Yes, this is a true story. She was gone.
I looked over to the crying baby in her little cold plastic bassinet. I knew I had to try. So, I pulled it close enough to me that I could get her out (as I still wasn't allowed to stand or walk). I looked at her and said, "We're gonna have to figure this out together." Then, something magical happened- we did it! We figured it out on our own! It was that moment where I knew I was her mom and she was my baby. I felt like a mommy and a darn good one at that!
From that moment on the love in my heart for this precious baby has grown and grown. It is a love that would sacrifice anything without pause for anything she needs. It's a fierce and protective love and a soft, gentle love at the same time. After a long day at work, that little face smiling at me melts any stress I've felt.
Lainie Lou- the light of my life, the joy in my heart, the song in my step, and the stealer of my sleep (I'm happy to give it).
okay, so i just have to get this out of the way first: HOW HORRIFIC OF THAT NURSE TO SAY THAT TO YOU!!!!!!!! seriously. her superior needs to be notified.
ReplyDeletealright... kendy! i'm so glad you're blogging! :) and remember, the feelings you had/have are totally normal... don't let anyone tell you that you're a freak :)
love ya,
marsha