So, here it is. I originally created this blog to be for losing weight. You know, losing weight little bits at a time. ~tee hee~ I crack myself up sometimes. Anyhoo, I've gotten on and off the "diet" roller coaster several times since starting this blog. And now, the time is once again upon me to resume my weight losing efforts. I'm actually at a quite wonderful place in my life now. I've efficiently licked my wounds from past hurts and the stress has delved down to a minimum. I'm off to quite the amazing start. I lost about 250 pounds on November 15, 2010. =) heh heh Did you catch that one? As in a whole person? heh heh Trust me when I say that by the time November 15th rolled around I was quite ready to part with that, uh, weight. So, like I said, I'm off to a great start. I have absolutely no reason not to get my head in the game.
But that's where it's the most difficult for me, yet the most important place to start- the head. I don't know if it's true for men as it is for women. But if a woman's head isn't in it, it ain't gonna happen. Whether you're talking about "baby-making" activities or losing weight, you've got to be committed to it in your mind or else you don't have the motivation to get turned on. To a diet, people! Minds out of the gutter. It is in this one area that I have failed miserably time and time again. It doesn't help to grow up being told that the standard is to be "skinny minnie" and "anorexic thin". So, at an early age I had a total misconception of my body. Boy, what I wouldn't give to go back and tell my high school self, "honey, you are perfect the way you are." C'est la vie. We all have baggage hanging around that keeps us from totally committing to things that could and would better us. I am great at committing for a time, in the moment, when I'm all jazzed up to lose weight. Give me about 3 weeks and I'm right back to the place of being uncontented. *sigh*
I have a million and one reasons to lose weight, none quite as important as my baby girl. But isn't it amazing that sometimes, even the biggest motivator still isn't enough in those stressful moments when chocolate sings out to us, "I'll be there for you when the rain starts to fall..." (Friends theme song) And chocolate is such a good friend, he always sticks around- on your thighs! I have a little post-it note stuck to my computer at work that says, "If hunger isn't the problem, then eating isn't the solution." I think that's a great saying for someone like me. But how many times have I engulfed a chocolate bar sitting right in front of that note? Too many to count. It's all about getting your head in the game. It's all about making up your mind to commit.
I am at the heaviest weight I've ever been. Yep. I'm just putting it right out there. But I am. I've been telling myself I have to get a handle on things and get my head in the game and start losing weight. I need to. For me. For my baby girl. For life. My co-worker decided she wanted to start attending Weight Watcher meetings and she asked me if I'd go along so she didn't have to go alone. I'm a pro at the meetings. I've been countless times. I've just stopped when I shouldn't have. So, today I attended my first meeting in a couple of years. It's a new program and I've been avoiding it. No longer.
So this week, I'm committing to just getting started. Just doing it. Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. And sometimes, second by bloody second! I'm already ahead of the game. I'm not even wearing maternity pants this go 'round! hehehe
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Friday, October 1, 2010
Ladies and Gentlemen, Where are You?
I've been feeling really down lately about the fact that there seems to be such few gentlemen and real ladies left in this world. It might be because I'm in the middle of a divorce. But maybe not. It seems that kindness just isn't out there anymore. I do have to note that my best friend has been suddenly experiencing some amazing random acts of kindness from strangers and it gives me hope. However, I still have to say what I have to say.
It seems lately that men in very large trucks take to tailgating. I used to be quite the speed queen but since having a baby I tend to go the speed limit. Note that I did NOT say under. No, I go the speed limit, sometime a bit over. And lately I've been seriously tailgated by men in large trucks as if they're trying to intimidate me to go faster. I've also notice that fewer men hold doors open, wait for a woman, allow a woman to go first, and whether or not you're a feminist you have to admit that having men be gentlemen, rather than the rude, arrogant jerks that are flourishing out there, it just seems we're missing something.
But this applies to women too. Why aren't there more ladies out there? Real classy, modest women. Women that don't have to have their cleavage in your face to be seriously attractive. Women who are elegant and sweet and kind. I might be alone in this, but I think that this new society sucks.
Women actually purposely chase married men. And married men eat it up. I know from my own experience. A married woman friended me on facebook because she said she was in grade school with my soon to be ex. Thing is, she was chasing him. She was married. He was married. How incredibly snakish is that? For the record, I called her on it. Because that's who I am. She bit back at me and I didn't care. She was dead wrong. Of course, so was he. But why is this going on these days? Even men who claim to be Christians have less integrity than they should have as sons of God.
I'm just so disheartened by it all. That's not to say, though, that gentlemen don't exist. I know they do. I have gentlemen in my life that are kind, considerate, helpful, and they have integrity. But they are few and far between. I think it starts on the homefront. Women, if you want your daughter to be modest, classy, kind, it starts with you! Are you modest? Are you classy? Are you kind? If you say no, well, what do you expect from your daughter. Men, if you want your son to treat women right, to have integrity, to be gentlemen, first look at yourself. How do you treat your wife? Are you a gentlemen? We need to lead by example and the problem is that more and more I see people essentially saying to their kids- do as I say and not as I do. Well, of course that doesn't work!
I hope we are striving to make a difference, and more importantly, to be different.
It seems lately that men in very large trucks take to tailgating. I used to be quite the speed queen but since having a baby I tend to go the speed limit. Note that I did NOT say under. No, I go the speed limit, sometime a bit over. And lately I've been seriously tailgated by men in large trucks as if they're trying to intimidate me to go faster. I've also notice that fewer men hold doors open, wait for a woman, allow a woman to go first, and whether or not you're a feminist you have to admit that having men be gentlemen, rather than the rude, arrogant jerks that are flourishing out there, it just seems we're missing something.
But this applies to women too. Why aren't there more ladies out there? Real classy, modest women. Women that don't have to have their cleavage in your face to be seriously attractive. Women who are elegant and sweet and kind. I might be alone in this, but I think that this new society sucks.
Women actually purposely chase married men. And married men eat it up. I know from my own experience. A married woman friended me on facebook because she said she was in grade school with my soon to be ex. Thing is, she was chasing him. She was married. He was married. How incredibly snakish is that? For the record, I called her on it. Because that's who I am. She bit back at me and I didn't care. She was dead wrong. Of course, so was he. But why is this going on these days? Even men who claim to be Christians have less integrity than they should have as sons of God.
I'm just so disheartened by it all. That's not to say, though, that gentlemen don't exist. I know they do. I have gentlemen in my life that are kind, considerate, helpful, and they have integrity. But they are few and far between. I think it starts on the homefront. Women, if you want your daughter to be modest, classy, kind, it starts with you! Are you modest? Are you classy? Are you kind? If you say no, well, what do you expect from your daughter. Men, if you want your son to treat women right, to have integrity, to be gentlemen, first look at yourself. How do you treat your wife? Are you a gentlemen? We need to lead by example and the problem is that more and more I see people essentially saying to their kids- do as I say and not as I do. Well, of course that doesn't work!
I hope we are striving to make a difference, and more importantly, to be different.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Death of a Marriage
After months of living in St. Louis and struggling against old habits, Robb has decided to leave our family. It's heartbreaking. Fortunately, I have God guiding me through, holding my hand, and collecting my tears. And givng me amazing joy in the middle of the biggest and baddest storm I've ever faced in my life.
The second I met Robb there were stars in my eyes. I fell hard and fast for this man and all I wanted to do was to take care of him and love him. I knew he was the one I would marry. I saw what everyone else saw in him- a man who was struggling against his past and forging a new future as a Christian man. A man who loved his daughters and was amazing with children in general. A man who was the life of a party, a social butterfly who had to greet everyone at church on Sunday mornings. He was a joker, a prankster, and probably the coolest guy I'd ever known. So when this man turned his attention on me, I was shocked, amazed, and the most excited I'd ever been in my life. But I also saw another side to Robb, one that most people never get to see. I saw a soft man, a tender heart. A man who teared up at stories of courage and overcoming odds. A man who would pull me into an embrace when he knew how much I was struggling with my own demons. Robb continued to struggle with his own demons, but hid well just how giant those demons were. Two years after meeting, we were married. We've been married for a little over 3 years now. In that time, there has been a lot of heartache. Struggles. Temptations. And now, the impending end to a marriage I believed would last forever.
It has been since he made his announcement that he intended to leave that I realize just how deep is my love for him. Those that know and have known about this situation offer various versions of support. Some say good riddance, he doesn't deserve you, you're better off without him. Others say, he'll regret it forever (and I've said this one too), move on. All hope is gone that this marriage could make it. Even I have lost hope, mostly because Robb has made it clear he has no intentions of returning. Perhaps he has another woman in his life now. Perhaps it's just another demon- old or new. Either way, the one thing I would want people to understand is this- my love for Robb has been unconditional. No matter what pain he has caused me, the power of my love was greater. Yes, he would hurt me worse than anyone before in my life has hurt me. But still, I saw this man that needed to grasp God's love for him and I would choose unconditional love, hoping he'd see a glimpse of God's love through me. I got the struggles he faced. I knew what was happening. And I still loved him. Unconditonal love is exactly that- unconditional. My love has never ceased, no matter what was happening.
Sure there were times I wanted to kick him to the curb, where my anger was so great that I considered all sorts of things. To my everlasting shame, I even considered having an affair to get back at him for the pain I'd felt every time I would find more messages to other women. Unconditional love sees past all of that and keeps loving. I've heard some women say it's stupid to keep loving him. I've been told that to my face. I think the deepest cut came from my own Aunt. Upon learning Robb had left she emailed me to say, "I'm so glad you're ending the farce." As if these 5 years of love, pain, struggles, fighting for our family, anger, tenderness, the birth of a child, family illnesses, were all nothing but fake. I can tell you with all of my heart, the friendship, the laughter, the love, the tears, the hurt, every single bit of our marriage was anything but a farce.
I am devastated. Only a few of friends, my mother, mother-in-law, and brother seem to really care about what I'm going through. It's as if all others have already swept our marriage into a garbage can. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the line, "Well, I'm not surprised." Perhaps not. But I am. I waited and waited for Robb. I watched most of my friends marry and/or have babies while I remained all alone. I knew when I met Robb that I was supposed to marry him. I can also tell you, this is not how our story was meant to end. The choice he has made is the wrong one. From conversations with him, I think he knows it is. But he has made up his mind and I'm left trying to figure out how you turn off unconditional love, when by it's very nature, there isn't an "off switch". In the weeks leading up to this decision I would try to tell friends and family that I needed to get out of this marriage, that it needed to be over, and I even had a plan. The truth is, and this is true about me more often than not, I tend to say things to others to convince myself of it, as if somehow I can say something enough times to accept it, believe it, and/or do it. What I really wanted, and what I really hoped for was that Robb would come home and get the help he needs to overcome his issues. While others may have given up on him, I didn't, I haven't. I still hope for him that he will finally get God's immense love for him. A love that says, "I have seen the deepest darkest corners of your mind and heart. I know the very worst that is in you. I know the worst things you've ever said or done. And I still love you and want the very best for you. I know everything about you and if you were the only person on the planet I would still have sent Jesus for you. I did send Jesus for you. If you would give me the worst part of you, I'd replace it with the best part of Me." Someday, I hope Robb gets it.
So, I put one foot in front of the other, place a perfectly sweet smile on my face that is sometimes real and other times not so much, and I am moving forward. I have no idea what direction or what is ahead for me because I am in the darkest valley of my life. But I've slipped my hand into my Daddy's hand and He is walking with me on a road full of anguish and heartache, and I know that up ahead, somewhere just beyond what I am able to see, there are green pastures full of blessings and joy I cannot even imagine. I'm going there. I have no idea how long it will take but in the meantime, I will focus on the One that will never leave me.
The second I met Robb there were stars in my eyes. I fell hard and fast for this man and all I wanted to do was to take care of him and love him. I knew he was the one I would marry. I saw what everyone else saw in him- a man who was struggling against his past and forging a new future as a Christian man. A man who loved his daughters and was amazing with children in general. A man who was the life of a party, a social butterfly who had to greet everyone at church on Sunday mornings. He was a joker, a prankster, and probably the coolest guy I'd ever known. So when this man turned his attention on me, I was shocked, amazed, and the most excited I'd ever been in my life. But I also saw another side to Robb, one that most people never get to see. I saw a soft man, a tender heart. A man who teared up at stories of courage and overcoming odds. A man who would pull me into an embrace when he knew how much I was struggling with my own demons. Robb continued to struggle with his own demons, but hid well just how giant those demons were. Two years after meeting, we were married. We've been married for a little over 3 years now. In that time, there has been a lot of heartache. Struggles. Temptations. And now, the impending end to a marriage I believed would last forever.
It has been since he made his announcement that he intended to leave that I realize just how deep is my love for him. Those that know and have known about this situation offer various versions of support. Some say good riddance, he doesn't deserve you, you're better off without him. Others say, he'll regret it forever (and I've said this one too), move on. All hope is gone that this marriage could make it. Even I have lost hope, mostly because Robb has made it clear he has no intentions of returning. Perhaps he has another woman in his life now. Perhaps it's just another demon- old or new. Either way, the one thing I would want people to understand is this- my love for Robb has been unconditional. No matter what pain he has caused me, the power of my love was greater. Yes, he would hurt me worse than anyone before in my life has hurt me. But still, I saw this man that needed to grasp God's love for him and I would choose unconditional love, hoping he'd see a glimpse of God's love through me. I got the struggles he faced. I knew what was happening. And I still loved him. Unconditonal love is exactly that- unconditional. My love has never ceased, no matter what was happening.
Sure there were times I wanted to kick him to the curb, where my anger was so great that I considered all sorts of things. To my everlasting shame, I even considered having an affair to get back at him for the pain I'd felt every time I would find more messages to other women. Unconditional love sees past all of that and keeps loving. I've heard some women say it's stupid to keep loving him. I've been told that to my face. I think the deepest cut came from my own Aunt. Upon learning Robb had left she emailed me to say, "I'm so glad you're ending the farce." As if these 5 years of love, pain, struggles, fighting for our family, anger, tenderness, the birth of a child, family illnesses, were all nothing but fake. I can tell you with all of my heart, the friendship, the laughter, the love, the tears, the hurt, every single bit of our marriage was anything but a farce.
I am devastated. Only a few of friends, my mother, mother-in-law, and brother seem to really care about what I'm going through. It's as if all others have already swept our marriage into a garbage can. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the line, "Well, I'm not surprised." Perhaps not. But I am. I waited and waited for Robb. I watched most of my friends marry and/or have babies while I remained all alone. I knew when I met Robb that I was supposed to marry him. I can also tell you, this is not how our story was meant to end. The choice he has made is the wrong one. From conversations with him, I think he knows it is. But he has made up his mind and I'm left trying to figure out how you turn off unconditional love, when by it's very nature, there isn't an "off switch". In the weeks leading up to this decision I would try to tell friends and family that I needed to get out of this marriage, that it needed to be over, and I even had a plan. The truth is, and this is true about me more often than not, I tend to say things to others to convince myself of it, as if somehow I can say something enough times to accept it, believe it, and/or do it. What I really wanted, and what I really hoped for was that Robb would come home and get the help he needs to overcome his issues. While others may have given up on him, I didn't, I haven't. I still hope for him that he will finally get God's immense love for him. A love that says, "I have seen the deepest darkest corners of your mind and heart. I know the very worst that is in you. I know the worst things you've ever said or done. And I still love you and want the very best for you. I know everything about you and if you were the only person on the planet I would still have sent Jesus for you. I did send Jesus for you. If you would give me the worst part of you, I'd replace it with the best part of Me." Someday, I hope Robb gets it.
So, I put one foot in front of the other, place a perfectly sweet smile on my face that is sometimes real and other times not so much, and I am moving forward. I have no idea what direction or what is ahead for me because I am in the darkest valley of my life. But I've slipped my hand into my Daddy's hand and He is walking with me on a road full of anguish and heartache, and I know that up ahead, somewhere just beyond what I am able to see, there are green pastures full of blessings and joy I cannot even imagine. I'm going there. I have no idea how long it will take but in the meantime, I will focus on the One that will never leave me.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Anxiety that Drives Me to Eat
Let me start by admitting that I have not started Weight Watchers again. Yet. And I stress, yet. Instead, I've been working on my attitude toward food. Namely- the anxiety that drives me to eat. I have it bad. I get anxious about something- good or bad- and I just have to eat. I imagine my anxiety eating, hereinafter referred to as "anxieteating", would be akin to a smoker's cigarette. It's the only thing that will calm the nerves. It's awful. So, I started asking myself this question- "Will I regret that I didn't eat this tomorrow, or will I regret that I did?" It's amazing how that question can truly stop me in my tracks and it's as if I'm thinking for my future, rather than my present state of mind.
On the scale-front, no clue where I am, poundally speaking. I don't care. I go on vacation next week for a whole week and I refuse to start a weight loss program right before that. I don't anticipate eating myself stupid or anything. But, I'm not going to feel guilty about not point counting. However, upon my return I am immediately restarting Weight Watchers.
So that's what's going on here. If anyone wants to join me, feel free. I'd love to have the company.
On the scale-front, no clue where I am, poundally speaking. I don't care. I go on vacation next week for a whole week and I refuse to start a weight loss program right before that. I don't anticipate eating myself stupid or anything. But, I'm not going to feel guilty about not point counting. However, upon my return I am immediately restarting Weight Watchers.
So that's what's going on here. If anyone wants to join me, feel free. I'd love to have the company.
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