I have to admit. It's been a long time since I've felt so....happy. I mean, really happy. The thing is, I know people tell you that you can choose joy. That's true. Joy can be a choice. But just like love is a choice and that choice sometimes takes great pains to achieve, so does joy. But what I mean here is not something that has been worked on or forced. It's just sort of happened.
I remember in the pilot episode of the Golden Girls that Blanche was about to marry a man, who it turned out, was a bigamist. She felt like a fool and she was really depressed. At the end of the episode she came out of her bedroom, cheerful (and not for the reasons you might think, if you know anything about Blanche). She told the girls that she was in the shower and heard someone singing and realized that it was her. She was singing and that meant one thing- she was happy. That always stuck with me for some reason.
There are lots of reasons for me to realize my happiness. Let me tell you about a few of them. Over the course of the past year and a halfish, God has been done some amazing things in my life. First, He led me on a road of great healing. As I healed He slowly revealed truths to me about choices I had made in my life that brought me to that place. But, in His infinite wisdom, He only revealed these things to me as I was ready to realize them. With each realization and revelation, I healed a little more. Those revelations have taught me so much about myself. I mean, shouldn't we, of all people, know ourselves already? Yet, in fact, we don't. Even now He continues to reveal things to me. The healing and continual growing that I have done have also opened this door to knowing more of God's love for me. His infinite, perfect, unconditional, passionate, crazy love. I mean, that right there is a big reason for happiness.
Then there's being a mom to this amazing little girl. She's only 3 and yet she talks like a grown up. I'm sure that's my fault. But when it's just you and a three year old you either talk on her level or somewhere in between. I can't baby talk. I just can't. It annoys me. And my baby girl is a smart one. She picks up on ideas and analyzes things all the time. So, I think it would be rather demeaning to her to talk to her on a lower level. She has such an amazing faith in God already, and of course, that makes my heart sing. She can be a handful sometimes, don't get me wrong. After all, she's 3. And every bit of 3. But she is also compassionate and nurturing. She will say, "I love you Mama," out of the blue. Melts me, as you can imagine. And I love her too. No person, other than God and Jesus, has brought me such love and joy. She is my heart. She is my favorite person in the world.
I've also reached the point in my life (and so incredibly glad to do so) that I don't feel pressured to be in a relationship. It's not that I'm bitter, love-scorned, or anti-men. Not at all. But I finally realize that I don't need a man. If God has plans for me to be married, He has already been well informed that for me to be willing to give up spending time with Lainie, he'd have to be amazing. It would truly have to be that "can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series" kind of thing. God knows. If I have a Prince out there, well, he's going to have to chase me. Because I finally get that I'm worth the chase. =)
But, if God doesn't plan to knock my socks off, that's ok. My Bestie and I have had many talks about relationships and men over the years and we've both decided that when our children are grown we will be like the Golden Girls. That's fine by me. My Bestie is a pretty fabulous chic and we'd have a fantastic time. We'd travel and shop and laugh. Maybe we'd eat cheesecake, too. That's what the GGs did.
I'm gearing up for a trip to Florida for my brother's graduation. We're going to Disney and we're going back to St. Augustine to the beach and to shop. Maybe I'm on a high right now because I'm getting ready to take a much needed vacation. But, I feel happy. I notice myself smiling more and more these days and it reminds me of what Blanche said- if I'm smiling (or singing) that means I'm happy.
And, can I just say for the record- it's about freakin' time! =)
