After months of living in St. Louis and struggling against old habits, Robb has decided to leave our family. It's heartbreaking. Fortunately, I have God guiding me through, holding my hand, and collecting my tears. And givng me amazing joy in the middle of the biggest and baddest storm I've ever faced in my life.
The second I met Robb there were stars in my eyes. I fell hard and fast for this man and all I wanted to do was to take care of him and love him. I knew he was the one I would marry. I saw what everyone else saw in him- a man who was struggling against his past and forging a new future as a Christian man. A man who loved his daughters and was amazing with children in general. A man who was the life of a party, a social butterfly who had to greet everyone at church on Sunday mornings. He was a joker, a prankster, and probably the coolest guy I'd ever known. So when this man turned his attention on me, I was shocked, amazed, and the most excited I'd ever been in my life. But I also saw another side to Robb, one that most people never get to see. I saw a soft man, a tender heart. A man who teared up at stories of courage and overcoming odds. A man who would pull me into an embrace when he knew how much I was struggling with my own demons. Robb continued to struggle with his own demons, but hid well just how giant those demons were. Two years after meeting, we were married. We've been married for a little over 3 years now. In that time, there has been a lot of heartache. Struggles. Temptations. And now, the impending end to a marriage I believed would last forever.
It has been since he made his announcement that he intended to leave that I realize just how deep is my love for him. Those that know and have known about this situation offer various versions of support. Some say good riddance, he doesn't deserve you, you're better off without him. Others say, he'll regret it forever (and I've said this one too), move on. All hope is gone that this marriage could make it. Even I have lost hope, mostly because Robb has made it clear he has no intentions of returning. Perhaps he has another woman in his life now. Perhaps it's just another demon- old or new. Either way, the one thing I would want people to understand is this- my love for Robb has been unconditional. No matter what pain he has caused me, the power of my love was greater. Yes, he would hurt me worse than anyone before in my life has hurt me. But still, I saw this man that needed to grasp God's love for him and I would choose unconditional love, hoping he'd see a glimpse of God's love through me. I got the struggles he faced. I knew what was happening. And I still loved him. Unconditonal love is exactly that- unconditional. My love has never ceased, no matter what was happening.
Sure there were times I wanted to kick him to the curb, where my anger was so great that I considered all sorts of things. To my everlasting shame, I even considered having an affair to get back at him for the pain I'd felt every time I would find more messages to other women. Unconditional love sees past all of that and keeps loving. I've heard some women say it's stupid to keep loving him. I've been told that to my face. I think the deepest cut came from my own Aunt. Upon learning Robb had left she emailed me to say, "I'm so glad you're ending the farce." As if these 5 years of love, pain, struggles, fighting for our family, anger, tenderness, the birth of a child, family illnesses, were all nothing but fake. I can tell you with all of my heart, the friendship, the laughter, the love, the tears, the hurt, every single bit of our marriage was anything but a farce.
I am devastated. Only a few of friends, my mother, mother-in-law, and brother seem to really care about what I'm going through. It's as if all others have already swept our marriage into a garbage can. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the line, "Well, I'm not surprised." Perhaps not. But I am. I waited and waited for Robb. I watched most of my friends marry and/or have babies while I remained all alone. I knew when I met Robb that I was supposed to marry him. I can also tell you, this is not how our story was meant to end. The choice he has made is the wrong one. From conversations with him, I think he knows it is. But he has made up his mind and I'm left trying to figure out how you turn off unconditional love, when by it's very nature, there isn't an "off switch". In the weeks leading up to this decision I would try to tell friends and family that I needed to get out of this marriage, that it needed to be over, and I even had a plan. The truth is, and this is true about me more often than not, I tend to say things to others to convince myself of it, as if somehow I can say something enough times to accept it, believe it, and/or do it. What I really wanted, and what I really hoped for was that Robb would come home and get the help he needs to overcome his issues. While others may have given up on him, I didn't, I haven't. I still hope for him that he will finally get God's immense love for him. A love that says, "I have seen the deepest darkest corners of your mind and heart. I know the very worst that is in you. I know the worst things you've ever said or done. And I still love you and want the very best for you. I know everything about you and if you were the only person on the planet I would still have sent Jesus for you. I did send Jesus for you. If you would give me the worst part of you, I'd replace it with the best part of Me." Someday, I hope Robb gets it.
So, I put one foot in front of the other, place a perfectly sweet smile on my face that is sometimes real and other times not so much, and I am moving forward. I have no idea what direction or what is ahead for me because I am in the darkest valley of my life. But I've slipped my hand into my Daddy's hand and He is walking with me on a road full of anguish and heartache, and I know that up ahead, somewhere just beyond what I am able to see, there are green pastures full of blessings and joy I cannot even imagine. I'm going there. I have no idea how long it will take but in the meantime, I will focus on the One that will never leave me.
